I sat on the twinkled roots, old enough

In awe, clutched and twisted in thoughts,

Memoirs rising above the ground, from grave

My roots not so decayed and decomposed.


Reminded me of the journey etched in my diary,

Regret, no that’s not in dictionary, rooted in darkness,

Unable to wind up and decipher words in the woods

Uncertain where roots belong, that binds me to ground.


Tried to uproot, so as to forget, and forgive you, but

The cradle of thoughts, brought deeper into heart’s tissues

That bled, in resilience fruits of love that is time tested

The tree provided shades, covering love stories buried alive.


You planted a “forget-me-not” seed that went deep

Yes, ripping the ground of reality into a dream come true

You cannot re-discover the pain of penetration in heart

I only can feel the pain of retaining the roots of love.


Like the roots that clutch the earth, carrying life for the tree

Life being short, not to worry, but move on the way to witness

I wondered and listened to the whispers of leaves above roots as

I pass through the passage between memories eyes closed.


Like roots carry nectar to heart of tree, your

Love comforts, consoles, soothe my nerves

Making me a treasure house of pleasures in thoughts

Making me pause and feel about our relationship.








the UNDO key

Most of us know that our moods swing! Did you read the President elect of US became that due to a swing of votes? These swings affect the way we react and respond to stimuli. I have been lucky to work for many organizations and have been a victim of mood swings. It affected my career, family and life.


Women use their right brains more and men left brains and the affect of feelings influence the mood we get set to in a given situation. This idea was a result of study using functional magnetic resonance imaging processes. Age, ovulation and even diet may influence mood swings. Swings may last split seconds to days. So I took a trip on my mood swings to find reasons why I cannot balance myself in relationships. It may result in euphoria or depression. Then I conceptualized a 50:50 theory of balance, between happiness and being sad.

Causes of imbalance

In a recent discussion on the subject with a neuro-physician I was informed of the way hormones affect mood swings. If a person has an abnormal level of one or several of certain neurotransmitters in their brain, it may result in having mood swings. Hormones play a vital role. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is involved with sleep, moods, and emotional states. A slight imbalance of this NT could result in depression. Norepinephrine is a neurotransmitter that is involved with learning, memory, and physical arousal. Like serotonin, an imbalance of norepinephrine may also result in depression. Aside from estrogen’s many roles in our sexual health, it is also known to be a neuro-stimulant. Estrogen levels have a domino effect on brain chemistry and moods. That’s going deep into the biochemistry. Moods and mood disorders are quite complex and can vary significantly from one person to the other and from one day to the next.


Most of us in a normal day pass through 50 to 60000 thoughts, but amongst those many only less than five need your concern. Only those thoughts can have an influence in you or you can influence those thoughts. Then why worry? Our moods can significantly influence how we live our lives.

Emotions and Feelings

Did you ever feel helplessness in the face of mood swings as the burden of the past and fear of future affect your thought chains? To me YES, a capital embossed yes. As I looked at me, I found one of the many reasons I became a victim was that I was not very assertive in the beginning. It was then I met Sabitha who narrated her story to me.

Sabitha a home maker was finding it difficult to cope with her head ache that haunted her. She had to take care of her two children as her husband was mostly concerned about himself and his interests. Feeling responsible she did almost everything at home, looked after her kids and attended to the tantrums of her husband, to please all. She worked at a mall where her timings were stringent. She then decided to introspect. She advised her kids to share the responsibilities by assigning work at home as they studied. Ironing and washing vessels were a job assigned to her husband apart from doing purchase of house hold items on his way back. Sabitha found extra time at hand and she invested in herself by going to a nearby gym and improved on her body health. Soon a balance was emerging both psychologically and physically that transformed and took the headaches away.  She took up responsibilities by being more assertive.

Emotional health is parallel to physical being to live in a better way. Parameters that influence us are that we indulge in all kinds of those 50 to 60000 thoughts that surface in each one of us. Evaluate and find where you can influence the thoughts, if not let go and allow them to pass through your brain as passengers. You need not build a dam on the flow of such thought chains, just let it flow.

Many have a mixed feeling on assertiveness by confusing this with aggressiveness. Actually assertiveness is a positive approach with a win-win situation for the concerned. It’s like driving into a highway from a side road. If you are passively waiting for each of vehicle to pass on highway, drivers in cars behind you will get upset and a traffic jam is created. If you are over aggressive and cut into the highway, that’s hazardous. It’s a judgment of being assertive in your life’s journey.

We give our power away to someone outside without knowing what our needs and rights are. We have to know who we are and do not beg or borrow power from outside. It’s within all of us. Illusion is that relationships may take away your pain of being small; reality on the other hand is relationships magnify the pain that pain that keeps you small. Remember your source of strength is at the end of your palm, within you. At times such a pain comes from hurt; someone hurts you. Forgive and forget. Your forgiveness is a gift to yourself and not to the person who hurt you. In pursuing punishment to the other person you are over burdened. Forgive.

Looking at past, we try and define ourselves as per our accomplishments and achievements. We search to find ourselves, outside ourselves – in the society we live, the relationships we have and the positions of power we have in professional fields. Undo that search outside to please others. Be happy on what you are; content yourself with what you have. In search for self outside of us, we are preparing ourselves to pretend. Be happy. You are in fact the epitome of happiness within. Enjoy life.

Reality is not what it seems. Truth neither is appropriately understood by all. Perfection is a mirage. I am perfectly imperfect – a simple belief that I nourish daily along with my daily dose of medication – vitamin “PI”.

Recall and rejoice

Hotel Kenilworth situated on Shakespeare Sarani, close to Park Street is a place I recall as a fine dining place and comfortable stay. Around Calcutta a place I first had been in the year 1970, this old monument still represents a British tint and texture. I was then told that Satyajit Ray used to stay and write from there.

Way back while working for a British Company, I was there with a group being trained on TEAM building. The trainer took us through an episode where a mind boggling feeling of trust was instilled. After the day sessions we were blind folded by someone with a black band of cloth. Till then I did not know who my partner was. I was nearly blind thereafter. I was advised that a partner will take me round eyes closed, through the streets of Shakespeare Sarani and surroundings, hand held. I was also advised that I needed to check out all sounds, murmurs, car horns and voices of people including that come from the loud speakers and whispers of boys and girls who throng the roads at that point of time. The message was to trust the instincts and the five faculties other than sight, as we walked. The journey began and ended in less than 15 minutes. Unfolded I saw my partner who was Saranya Ghoshal (Name changed). The rest of the people assembled and we were asked to address the group with the feelings we underwent during that short 15 minutes. The partners who handheld were told to address with their perspectives of appreciation of the blindfolded companion as they walked almost like blind people.

That trust building exercise completed with the appreciation of how less we trust our own feelings. The sense organs were the first casualty. We tend to ignore the instincts sent to our brains and recognize facets in relationships. We ignore body language as part of psyche. It was a lesson also to appreciate the distinct value of sight, a gift of God.

Rejoice for me came probably after four decades as I read an article in news paper on a hartal (bandh) day. The heading for the article was “a tunnel to realize the value of vision”. I read and recapitulated how I was influenced during the Kenilworth experience nearly four decades back.

Shahine and Ravi, visually impaired teachers guided some people with perfect eye sight through a tunnel comprising a village, beach, forest and Himalayas. That was to showcase the world those teachers live in and how they manage the world of darkness. The guides may never get back to light and sight, but the group with vision would. The people with vision were asked if they would like to have a second trip through the same tunnel for which they responded in negative. Blindness is not a welcome drink. This we need to note.

Innumerable advertisements and campaigns are on for the eye donation. Reuse of a defunct sense organ. Reclamation of a person less blessed to rejoice the world you lived, enjoyed and passed through. Free of cost for the donor and millions of dreams realized for the receiver.

My rejoice was more than the recall for me.

It was the students of Malabar College of Health Education, Eranjipalam, Kozhikode on World Sight Day that organized to spell SIGHT through experiencing DARKNESS.

I admit that my link that of Kenilworth and that I felt reading this in news papers gave me dimensions of truth that little belie the fact that our senses are to be trusted and the second one to rejoice and say that be a donor of eye.

I congratulate the organizers as well Kozhikode Mayor Thottatthil Ravindran who inaugurated the tunnel, that leads us to the idea to donate and help those with impaired vision.


Observe nature, reshape questions and change your nature

The last Thursday of September, 2016 I had four different experiences that provoked me to leave everything and think?

  1. That morning flooded with clouds in sky I was scanning paper and found a news item typically recalling my memory banks. A row of bullock carts on Karnataka roads carrying families. Reason was draught, lines underneath said, and they moved away in migration. They were migrating to Goa and elsewhere. I took that picture and posted on status on my FB. Saying not only birds, human beings too – but for reasons? Set my mind thinking how for livelihood we keep migrating. Bullocks do not know where they are destined to go, but the men who wield the canes knew. Human endeavor finds new pastures and arenas as birds in migration from extreme cold weathers do.
  2. I was to speak at an engineering college later during the day and was travelling through villages crossing city limits. I noticed a fish vendor on the outer ring road. He was on his scooter with a plastic container behind. He closed the cell phone, as car approached. A cat on his side was looking for fish. Having noticed, the fish vendor picked up a fish and gave to the cat. Share is a concept that nature teaches us. What is shared is not the point. Giving away what you can is the essence. Fruits and flowers are gifts after honey bees and butterflies do their act of cross pollination, shared by nature.
  3. Probably it was 1986 or 87 that we went with our daughters to a hill side house of our relative. The two had seen the touch me not plant earlier. They never played with it to see the natural phenomena of protection from environment. The engineering institution where I went to give a lecture had shrubs that reminded me of the 1987 episode. I played it myself in an attempt to learn further. I recalled what Nelson Mandela said “it’s not how many times you fall; but how many times you rise”. It was 12.24 p.m. when I touched the leaves of touch me not. And I noted the duration of time when those leaves that got folded to return to its original condition. Any Guess? Less than one and a half minute. We all fall, make mistakes and think we are lost. I saw even “touch me not” takes less time than my expectations.
  4. As I was immersed in the process of finding time taken to rise, I saw a security guard coming up to me. Involved in a chat I asked about him and what he did before. He worked for 26 long years as a soldier in the Indian artillery. He continues to work not to idle. When asked about his siblings, he mentioned that his daughter after her MBA was a teacher at the same institution. I requested whether I can meet her. Jyotsana came out and I engaged my attention between father and daughter working at the same institution. Pride of work, probably I thought, for both. But daughter who described her father as a proud soldier mentioned he is also a transformer. From the frontiers of attack survived the bullets she says he transformed the whole family with knowledge.

I think I made my day on that Thursday, thank God.

Lesson learnt – Learn Lessons, as there is no expiry date for learning. The more we know, the better are our perspectives. Knowledge is the path of enquiry and understanding. Nature and our observations make us appreciate the laws of nature and order. We think who we are and what we are. Often we desire more of things we want to possess. We tend not to share our kitty. These instincts based on pleasure and pains are not the causes of desires. They give us pleasures because we desire. We are the cause. The first two observations lead me to think of a way to be content with our desires to an extent we can.

Anger is a reason that tends to make us fail. When we miss gaps between ideal and real anger persists. The third and fourth observations on that Thursday highlight this aspect. Anger conquers our relationships. Anger kills happiness and pleasures that we derive through desires. We tend to judge even a positive criticism. We accumulate stress like a rubber band. Over-stretched, it breaks hearts. We need to be like the touch me not plant. Forgive and forget, and rise once again. Friedrich Nietzsche says when we are sentimentally in illusion and tends to relish stings of doubt and denial it’s time to take a TONIC.  As an infant takes breast feed. We breathe in fresh air of consciousness.  Need to inhale afresh as otherwise chances are that illusion kills us. Transformation and NOT conformation is the idea. Deviation and not re-scheduling of old embedded ideas.

“Each moment is not only something new but something unforeseeable. Change is far more radical than we presume” – Bergson. “For a conscious being to exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to create a new self identity.”

“As you observe people in their settings, you should not only look for the nuances of human behavior but also strive for motivation and emotion” – Tom Kelly

The insignificant touch me not plant gave me a lead to explore and see what probably was not understood by me.








P i N k


When “AMUL” brought out the advertisement “Stay in the PINK of health”, I thought of the way we all are dying with a lack of mental strength and health.

This time all over again I stretched out of my long drawn disinterest not to watch moves, the last probably being PIKU, on which I blogged, that time.

Amul’s ad is using the caption PINK, the Amitabh movie that we all watched again at Crown theatre. The tickets were done by my elder daughter’s husband through digital account. No need to be in queue, and as we entered the hall was not full. Probably the story invades in our minds with an axe

Amitabh acted no doubt on that part, but all those tiny characters acted well too. Sircar did a wonderful job that presented women and their plight. The 20+ age group is set to rule the professional world with more than 60% of total by year 2020, by projections. It’s relevant that we watch and probably look for a hand kerchief in between.

The theme could have been like a detective film but narrated in the court and through lawyers. The story unfolds what probably is and what may cause heart burns to many in future.

Power in any form needs to be handled well, as otherwise the nation dies. As powerless now rule the majority. But the increasing level of understanding and applying thoughts may have an impact on society as I felt after watching PINK.

“Safety rules” came up to me as a good subject as an ardent trainer on safety matters in professional life.  One needs to recognize the conceptual and reality paths and the gaps within so that accidents do not turn out on victim’s survival. Policies are important and that comes out of processes.

Like the American citizen Harinder Bains  who spotted Rahami in US, Amitabh’s show as a lawyer who takes over the gown all over again to lead truth in to the court need to be part of the psyche of every citizen as a responsible fearless individual. You need to be ruthless and open to show the difference so that the erring persons whether on road or in hiding is taken to stage of justice.

Girls are girls and boys are boys, as we turn ourselves and tilt the gender biases in balance over a period of time. After all time is in check, to change the mode and morals in the factory of ethics. The cast need to change as we mould young minds that outgrow set patterns of thought processes that take over the rules and establishments.

“NO” is a word that years back my sister in Canada informed me of teaching her sons in Kindergarten Schools long back. Instead of A B C, the curriculum advances with saying NO. It’s difficult to say so, for fear of being isolated. But as my ex boss mentioned once – If you want to resolve, you should be at the center of the crowd. no is a NO, including that for consensual sex. That’s it as mentioned by Amitabh.

What worries all of us is one fact – relating to AMUL’s advertisement – when are we becoming to stay in good MENTAL health with an obligation and not enforced by laws?


“Heaven willed that I spend my life with a man not meant for me, and I am wasting my days silently according to the will of Heaven, but if the gates of eternity do not open, I will remain with the beautiful half of my soul and look back at the past and the past is the present … I shall look at life as Spring looks at winter, and contemplate the obstacles of life as one who has climbed the rough trail and reached the mountain top.” – Wrote Kalil Gibran

In those words, we feel the feelings of a human being.

It is interesting to know Lakshmi, who actually underwent and compressed her feelings within. She had heart burn, gas trouble and headaches. Her husband was busy with his work and all household chores social obligations, children’s education etc. were all that she had to do. Mentally and physically tired she became an unfit persona. She then went on to understand feelings and it’s manifestations within her-self. A study helped her to be assertive and that helped her children to share chores and her husband understanding to tilt the balance in the family.

Don’t we feel that our mind is a complicated thing? With pent up sensations, reactions and feelings in our day to day relationships. Our mind creates suspicion, misery, anger and endless problems. Apart from this we tend to make it more clever, articulating, cunning and dishonest to ourselves. A problem we face.

We see the world as the “I” (EGO) sees it. We cannot see the absolute either by thought or imagination. Wittgenstein wrote “Conception of the world is limited by one’s thought and language” – A solution may come from appreciating the extensive thoughts our mind generate as well by its limits. Mind binds us with needs and desires. A King asked a holy man what he wanted as a gift. The holy man said to fill up his cup with gold coins. King tried but no matter the cup won’t get filled! King then asked for the secret of his cup. “This cup is like the mind of every person who is never content. It never gets filled and is not supposed to.”

Our own embedded negative feelings make us insecure. A tragedy we ourselves invite. Like physical well being we need to have mental health. This is possible by de-cluttering negative emotions. A single feeling that is negative can drain us of a day’s energy. Introspecting, reasoning and looking back help us to understand what makes us sad and irritable? That helps to bridge what is in between our body and mind. The balance energy copes for our future action.

Humanity as evidenced in numbers have thus many variations of thoughts and beliefs. These variations or differences create confusion and later lead us to conflicts. Conflicts exist and are to be managed. Each point of view can be validated and re-validated and is a process. Sticking to one as good or bad is a stigma arising out of ego. There is no “delete” or “reboot” buttons that we can touch on screen of life, as we do on cell phones. It is possible to communicate, understand apologize and forgive the other person. That reduces the heaviness in our minds. One tend to avoid consuming a pain killer pill.

Conflict between logic and feelings is a matter that we should be aware of. Once the brain said –“I’m the smartest organ of the body” and the heart said “who told you?’ Feelings are part of our psyche; we need to be aware and handle it well, to belong in any relationship.

We belong. Like in a share taxi, passengers are together for some time and each one has a different destination. Like the arrow, that comes through the bow but does not belong to the bow, it follows own course. We bundle up feelings. But we need to release by detoxification.

To be pleasant or unpleasant is a personal choice over the circumstances and conditions that we entangle moment by moment. The circumstances can make us a victim. The same circumstances if dealt with positive motives can alter the outcome and brings happiness within.

Unpleasantness is a result of setbacks. “Setbacks are inevitable. Misery is a choice. Reasons are always there, but never an excuse” – wrote Stephen Covey.

“All emotions are impulses to act in handling life. The root of the word emotion is motere, a Latin word, meaning to move with the prefix ‘e’ to connote move away. This suggests a tendency to act with every emotion” – Daniel Goleman. Our rational thinking mind in the “head” is different from the “heart”. The convictions are different. The more intense is the feeling more dominant the emotional mind becomes. We need to be aware of the feelings that transgress within our heart and precipitate as sediments.

That may be why they say – Life’s deepest feelings are expressed in silence” – because feelings that come back are feelings that never went away. By soft handling of feelings, being aware of it help us to have a balanced approach.

Do not waste time on revenge – forgive, forget.





Reshaping self beliefs

As I was in the kitchen making dosha my wife was engrossed in cooking iddlis. The batter is nearly the same but iddlis are cooked different. Simple, though, that moment set a pattern of questions in mind.

Most turned out on the belief systems that get embedded in our minds. They set our thoughts, and those very thoughts turn the way we see moments, hours, days and months into future.

In my house where six of us went to schools and colleges my ammamma (grand mom) made iddlis on week days and dosha or aappams during weekends.  As I grew I knew the reason. But the set belief about iddlis still linker in mind countering reasons. This happens.

Probably belief systems damage relationships. We tend to believe “SHE” is not as good as “HE”. Some believe that days passed by were better than days to come. At least a few think that financially they can never recover. We tend to believe some of the illnesses are not curable. It’s a mental fabric that creates impediments for us to look beyond.

While working in the Middle East when I used to start the car early morning, cats that rested under chassis crossed and ran to front. Belief system indicated earlier in life was a bad omen. If I were to wait for something better to cross I would never have attended work!

Look at children and we see them not confined to themselves with such set beliefs. They have no fear. They take things and chose their ways on the spur of the moment. We were once upon a time like them. Over a period of time we changed to a set pattern of thought. If fear is cultivated, that seed becomes stronger. In a changing world scenario unless we change our thoughts we become victims of own thoughts.

By changing our thoughts we can shift gears in our journey called life. Using the indicators and making amends in the route we reach our goals at ease. When brakes are applied we find ways to escape un-hurt. Feelings are the same. Declutching is a need to change and move forward. We need to practice forgiveness.

It’s a mental agony when we swim within the restrictions set by those very belief systems. We get diseases due to toxic contents injected by thoughts. Our attitudes measure and drive us. The way to view and review our thought patterns are like viewing the rear view mirror and side view mirrors.

“The cause and effect” theory is applicable the way we feel happy or otherwise. Situations keep changing. We need to understand the cause that we create. Then appreciate the affect on us. We cause internal injury by some thoughts.

It’s rigidity in our set patterns of thought that give us stiff necks and chest pains. If we are flexible and at ease with the swinging affects that surround us, we see things like the way children play with kaleidoscope. Adapt and enjoy with the ever improving patterns that emerge on a tilt of kaleidoscope. Children play with toys. Can we?

We get involved as we move on time with jealousy, guilt, anger, criticism, hurt and resentment. We anchor thoughts inflicting internal bleeds with negative feelings. This robs us of the brightness of the day, the chirp of birds, and the magic of colours of the flowers we see. We shut our eyes to those wonderful moments by purposely filtering only negative thoughts. Why do we harbor our past? Why we often reload elapsed time spaces?

Stiff necks and bottlenecks siphon out our energies. They give us constipation, both physical and in feelings. Rigidity causes heartburns. We create our own boundaries. Out-of-the-box thinking is a tool we need to apply in daily lives. Edward de Bono created the seven hats exercise to find alternatives. We can think different – vertical and horizontal. That helps us to pause, re-visit, lift the anchor and steer away from the turmoil or the tsunami we expected were hindering us to move ahead.

For internal peace and happiness we need to have a self approval process of our identities and images we create.  We are what we are due to our thought chains. We need to indulge in thoughts that ignite and burn self beliefs. And that ignition lights pathways to progress. Love without conditions is integral to forgiving.

After all iddlis also have changed shapes and forms!